a lot a lot of things on my mind.

its really tiring to be myself. too many things to handle  at this young age. im probably not the person with the most problems out there but life is certainly tiring enough for me.

behind that smile that i give everybody doesnt mean that i'm free of problems and 24/7 happy. but nobody really cares anyway. and nobody actually takes me seriously.

so so so many things to think about. my terrible results, lack of drive to work hard and savw those pathetic grades, dad being out of job temporarily ie no income for the time being, dad and his naive mindset about striking it rich by starting a business (hello seriously pls if u could be rich from being your own boss you would have done it long time ago right), being perma angry at my dad at home (which makes me feel rly rly rly guilty but everytime when im tired and stressed up etc u just have to ask me many ques and i rly dont bave the patience to teach u to use comp seriously...), worried abt overspending cos well, we dont have any form of income rn, and with many  many events coming right up that require me to spend $$$$$$$$$$$, etc etc....

money money money. if  only i have endless amount of cash. dont call me materialistic. there are rly loads of things i want but i can afford to buy. dont tell me "there are much more ppl who are in worse states than u" or "be contented" COS IM NOT CONTENTED. im a teen girl after all i want pretty clothes, many pairs of shoes, and go shopping and buy anythjng i want without worries. but no i cant. i try to scrimp and save whenever i can. i tell many ppl that i dont like shopping. what rubbish. who doesnt like shopping. its just that i cant afford shopping. i cant bear to spend.

so i just had this quarrel with steven earlier in the day. i admit that im wilful, stubborn, unreasonable and u have to put up with my character which isnt an easy job. but havent i put up with your nonsense too? yeah yeah u do say i have many expectations that u have to live up to and u cannot stand me sometimes. ok. im sorry for that. ok u can flare up once jn a while when u cant stand me. but even if u do, can u pls still choose the words u use? "can u do me a favor and dont disturb me" "i dont care i honestlt dont care" and the best your tweet "go and fuck yourself". thats thw worst thing u can ever say to your gf. youre rly like akid. yes u are certainly more mature than last time. but u still nv fail to hurt me sometimes. i've learnt certain things too, like to apologise first and not to be so fiesty. i rly hope u would do the same for me cos i indeed changed for u. and i realised, u didnt talk to me for almost 5 hrs. to think that i took the initiative to apologise first. yes yes u got jts. but i guess it doesnt hurt to take out your phone and spend just 10secs to text me "hey, u better alr?"


rly craving for some mocha cookie crumble frap but i cant afford one. jts + kiseki are gonna burn my pocket next week. fuckkkk

im waiting. still waiting...

Feeling so lonely tonight...........